I tried to drink.

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Really, I did. Like so many of you, my high school years offered many opportunities to sneak beer, go to underage parties, and raid our parent's liquor cabinets while they were out of town. 

But, I hated the taste. I mean, who really likes the taste of beer (or Everclear...it WAS the 80s after all). The smell made me nauseous, and I KNEW my mom would kill me for drinking even a SIP of alcohol. But even more, I hated the deep sense of fear that came with every whiff of alcohol, regardless of its form. 

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When I was 8, my mom married a man who would change my outlook on alcohol for the rest of my life. Not only was he a closet alcoholic...he was mean. The kind of mean that requires you to have a hiding place, an escape plan, and a quiet mouth. 

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Absolutely no child should ever need any of these things. 

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But I didn't know that then. I thought that was normal. 

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So, from 8-12 I lived in fear. I learned to associate wine (his drink of choice) with anger, rage and violence. To keep attention away from our family I learned how to perform so no one would look beyond the surface. I became 'perfect.'  Straight A's. President of the clubs. Front row in Show Choir. Starting team in all my sports. Youth Group President.

And I learned how to lie.

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A lifetime later (and plenty of therapy and self-help books), I have a much better understanding of what drove him to drink. Loneliness, grief, internal suffering, confusion, escape. And I learned how to be around alcohol without turning into a terrified 8-year-old child. And I made a fully informed decision. 

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I chose to be sober.

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Now I live in one of the most beautiful wine valleys in the world. I have learned to appreciate the craft of wine-making and have great friends who navigate this world with beautiful grace. They are wine-makers, farmers, grape-growers, viticulturists and enologists. They enjoy wine from grape to press. And I still don't drink.

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And they don't hold it against me, or make it weird, or change their own behavior because of my decisions. 

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The choice not to drink is mine. Just like the choice you make, is yours.

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These coaching groups are meant for you to explore your own stories.

To question your own patterns and make conscious decisions around how you choose to interact with alcohol, without judgement and without condemnation, whatever decision you make.

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You are welcome here and I hope you will join me in a coaching group soon.